July 26, 2021

My Lagos Experience – Chizzy

Issa took me to the bustop where I would board a bus going to ikeja. it was actually my first time of moving out on my own ever since I visited Lagos,the driver wasn’t around so I had to use a bus. I was going for a seminar at ikeja .I was scared because I’ve heard stories, my aunty even told me to hold my bag very well, stories of hoodlums,mobs and their frustrating traffic. “Ikeja! ikeja! ” the conductor shouted angrily as other passengers stopping at the bus stop alighted, people were seriously scuttling for seat and I was still standing doing sekem sekem (ajebutter) I said last last I go enter and if I no enter another one go come. Issa said enter na, I told him wait jare whereas where I came from In Umuahia we don’t rush bus like this.” This is not Umuahia oo” Issa laughed and said. The bus was already full but it stopped, one guy came down, I guess he didn’t know where he was heading to…. So I just managed and rushed in immediately. “Allen ooo, oga   conductor I’m stopping at Allen “he gave me this devilish look, he had this tribal marks and it was just too much. (How is it my business, what I know is when you get to Allen you stop me) “Haven’t we reached yet ” I thought, I had to ask this beautiful lady  sitting close to me “please have we gotten to Allen”  “not yet, I’m stopping at Allen too ”  she said .kaiii I Just  calmed down

I finally stopped at Allen and within 2hours, we were done with the seminar. OK time to go home….. What was that name issa called that place again? Oboranje …obalonde.. Abalande….abalondo… Oh nooo!!! I have forgotten the name oo babe ” I was telling the young lady who invited me for the seminar. One Yoruba woman came and confused me .She overheard me struggling with the pronunciation ,She mentioned one name similar to what I was saying and entered inside. I told my friend I no trust this woman oo,We now entered inside and I asked her Please is  China town around here? she said no oo Ya akogheriwa(she started blabbing) mtchewww! I just called issa and he now said abalanje abi obalanje( I couldn’t just fantom it). I entered bike  back to Allen ,the Bike man thought I was JJC na and told me its 200″it a lie  oga  it’s 100 naira” I said .He kept on insisting but I bluntly refused and gave him 100naira
After crossing to the other side of the road, I now asked one woman “Pls where can I get a bus to obalanje” she shouted  Obalande!!! Not Obalanje, (all this Yoruba  people ee)with this disgustful look she shouted arrogantly. I stood at a spot waiting for the  cms bus going to obalande.One guy told me to just stand there and listen… One uncle came to chyke his big aunty oo


Kaiiii ,As the guy was asking for number, I  heard Obalande! Obalande! Obalande!I looked at the guy that told me to stand at that spot , he was like rush now,see obalande bus na, you need to see how I zoomed off and I’m very sure that oga chyker will be in shock .As I was still  trying to scuttle for seat ,the bus was still in motion o”Oga wait na “I shouted like a chicken who was crying for its life to be spared, the passengers busted out laughing. I wanted to be very sure I was in the right bus, so I asked questions. The driver and conductor were having this argument (I guess the conductor didn’t share the money they got previously well and one person ended up being cheated). The driver was whining and he was saying “make them come down I no dey go again, (kaii abegi ooo, God touch his heart because I stood for like 30 minutes, the cms bus came late due to traffic and the sun was scorching.) “Where are you going to ” he asked  (it’s like all the conductors and agberos in Lagos are naturally angry.” China town ” I answered  …your money is 200 ,He now asked this guy seated close to me where he was alighting and he called one place like that Your money na 200 and there was an outburst between the conductor and the passenger, this passenger had a very bad mouth, his vernacular was oscillating between youruba and pigin English Conductor: Owo lati eyinPassenger: Gba owo
(He gave the conductor 100naira instead of 200naira)
 “Elo lo Funmi?”(hoew much did u give me) conductor asked 100naira na…passenger replied ” owo mi o ti pe o, 200naira ni mo pe oko fun e o”(my Money is not yet complete I. Told you it’s 200 Iwo ati taani?( You and who?) passenger said ” Wo o, ogbeni, ba mi mu owo mi to ku o, nigbati o lowo lowo, o gbodo rinse ni. Se olopa ma mu e to ba rin se ni?” (Hey Mr man bring my remaining money  you For trek na since your money no complete. Police no go arrest you for trekking ) conductor said “Mi o ni oro ba ode bi ti e so”(  I Dont need to engage into an argument with an imbecile)passenger replied back  “Wo, ti o ba mu owo mi to ku jade, gbadogbado, yio gba owo agbado mo o lowo. Iwo alainikanse yi, ole….if you no want trouble  better bring my remaining balance,  unless  I Go deal with you here ” conductor said “Ole!!(thief) Oloshi(mumu)OloribukuOri bi ,osheri,Oniranu oshi Olo-run(smelling thing) “the passenger flared up …you don’t cheat people! 
 I just pray this man doesn’t slap me here or does anything  funny  because he was already stammering 
The one I could get was “you don’t cheat people, I’m not  gullible “the conductor must have topped  the price. The show was over when the guy alighted.. I almost zonked off, just that I had this rule of  not sleeping inside bus but I was so tired and hungry (my stomach was making all this rumbling sounds as if there was an earthquake going on inside) I just couldn’t wait to get home.I kept on asking them bikonu (please) we never reach? one mind just told me to look outside and I saw the apostolic church, the conductor said I should come down. I was so confused eeeh and so I wasted time alighting, the conductor called me one name. Immediately I came down eee I called him ode!!!!  Whewww I was  home at last, oluebube said they normally Cross that high way oo and imagine I had to trek to the estate to  get over the bridge before getting to the apostolic church , if I had known I would have told the conductor estate.Chaiii this people cheat  me oo, that means I suppose get like 50 naira change …….

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