Fri. Nov 15th, 2019

Chizzy

My Lagos Experience

Issa took me to the bustop where I would board a bus going to ikeja. it was actually my first time of moving out on my own ever since I visited Lagos,the driver wasn’t around so I had to use a bus. I was going for a seminar at ikeja .I was scared because I’ve heard stories, my aunty even told me to hold my bag very well, stories of hoodlums,mobs and their frustrating traffic. “Ikeja! ikeja! ” the conductor shouted angrily as other passengers stopping at the bus stop alighted, people were seriously scuttling for seat and I was still standing doing sekem sekem (ajebutter) I said last last I go enter and if I no enter another one go come. Issa said enter na, I told him wait jare whereas where I came from In Umuahia we don’t rush bus like this.” This is not Umuahia oo” Issa laughed and said. The bus was already full but it stopped, one guy came down, I guess he didn’t know where he was heading to…. So I just managed and rushed in immediately. “Allen ooo, oga   conductor I’m stopping at Allen “he gave me this devilish look, he had this tribal marks and it was just too much. (How is it my business, what I know is when you get to Allen you stop me) “Haven’t we reached yet ” I thought, I had to ask this beautiful lady  sitting close to me “please have we gotten to Allen”  “not yet, I’m stopping at Allen too ”  she said .kaiii I Just  calmed down

I finally stopped at Allen and within 2hours, we were done with the seminar. OK time to go home….. What was that name issa called that place again? Oboranje …obalonde.. Abalande….abalondo… Oh nooo!!! I have forgotten the name oo babe ” I was telling the young lady who invited me for the seminar. One Yoruba woman came and confused me .She overheard me struggling with the pronunciation ,She mentioned one name similar to what I was saying and entered inside. I told my friend I no trust this woman oo,We now entered inside and I asked her Please is  China town around here? she said no oo Ya akogheriwa(she started blabbing) mtchewww! I just called issa and he now said abalanje abi obalanje( I couldn’t just fantom it). I entered bike  back to Allen ,the Bike man thought I was JJC na and told me its 200″it a lie  oga  it’s 100 naira” I said .He kept on insisting but I bluntly refused and gave him 100naira
After crossing to the other side of the road, I now asked one woman “Pls where can I get a bus to obalanje” she shouted  Obalande!!! Not Obalanje, (all this Yoruba  people ee)with this disgustful look she shouted arrogantly. I stood at a spot waiting for the  cms bus going to obalande.One guy told me to just stand there and listen… One uncle came to chyke his big aunty oo

Kaiiii ,As the guy was asking for number, I  heard Obalande! Obalande! Obalande!I looked at the guy that told me to stand at that spot , he was like rush now,see obalande bus na, you need to see how I zoomed off and I’m very sure that oga chyker will be in shock .As I was still  trying to scuttle for seat ,the bus was still in motion o”Oga wait na “I shouted like a chicken who was crying for its life to be spared, the passengers busted out laughing. I wanted to be very sure I was in the right bus, so I asked questions. The driver and conductor were having this argument (I guess the conductor didn’t share the money they got previously well and one person ended up being cheated). The driver was whining and he was saying “make them come down I no dey go again, (kaii abegi ooo, God touch his heart because I stood for like 30 minutes, the cms bus came late due to traffic and the sun was scorching.) “Where are you going to ” he asked  (it’s like all the conductors and agberos in Lagos are naturally angry.” China town ” I answered  …your money is 200 ,He now asked this guy seated close to me where he was alighting and he called one place like that Your money na 200 and there was an outburst between the conductor and the passenger, this passenger had a very bad mouth, his vernacular was oscillating between youruba and pigin English Conductor: Owo lati eyinPassenger: Gba owo
(He gave the conductor 100naira instead of 200naira)
 “Elo lo Funmi?”(hoew much did u give me) conductor asked 100naira na…passenger replied ” owo mi o ti pe o, 200naira ni mo pe oko fun e o”(my Money is not yet complete I. Told you it’s 200 Iwo ati taani?( You and who?) passenger said ” Wo o, ogbeni, ba mi mu owo mi to ku o, nigbati o lowo lowo, o gbodo rinse ni. Se olopa ma mu e to ba rin se ni?” (Hey Mr man bring my remaining money  you For trek na since your money no complete. Police no go arrest you for trekking ) conductor said “Mi o ni oro ba ode bi ti e so”(  I Dont need to engage into an argument with an imbecile)passenger replied back  “Wo, ti o ba mu owo mi to ku jade, gbadogbado, yio gba owo agbado mo o lowo. Iwo alainikanse yi, ole….if you no want trouble  better bring my remaining balance,  unless  I Go deal with you here ” conductor said “Ole!!(thief) Oloshi(mumu)OloribukuOri bi ,osheri,Oniranu oshi Olo-run(smelling thing) “the passenger flared up …you don’t cheat people! 
 I just pray this man doesn’t slap me here or does anything  funny  because he was already stammering 
The one I could get was “you don’t cheat people, I’m not  gullible “the conductor must have topped  the price. The show was over when the guy alighted.. I almost zonked off, just that I had this rule of  not sleeping inside bus but I was so tired and hungry (my stomach was making all this rumbling sounds as if there was an earthquake going on inside) I just couldn’t wait to get home.I kept on asking them bikonu (please) we never reach? one mind just told me to look outside and I saw the apostolic church, the conductor said I should come down. I was so confused eeeh and so I wasted time alighting, the conductor called me one name. Immediately I came down eee I called him ode!!!!  Whewww I was  home at last, oluebube said they normally Cross that high way oo and imagine I had to trek to the estate to  get over the bridge before getting to the apostolic church , if I had known I would have told the conductor estate.Chaiii this people cheat  me oo, that means I suppose get like 50 naira change …….

TILL DAY BREAK (tdb)

“Can you guys be fast already, let’s start going back to the dormitory ” I said to my friends. We stayed back after night prep to continue reading and it was already 11:30.We had mathematics exam and the pressure was so much, they  inflicted so much fear in us that third term exams were always very difficult and as ss1 students who had  never  written third term exams, we had to be  ready.

“But we haven’t even studied elevation and depression ” Debby  grumbled. “Please we will study that in the dormitory after resting  ” Sophia answered

The D _day was already here ,  we were coming from the dinning and moving down to our classes. We ate hot bonzo (beans) as we normally eat every Tuesday morning , beans has always been one of my favourite delicacies and because of that I was given a nickname “mama beans ” when I was little. I don’t miss it for any reason.

We were already seated waiting for the invigilator ,I was feeling sleepy because I didn’t  sleep the previous  night (till day break) . I was awake throughout trying to cover up what I wasn’t able to cover up in mathematics because I was giving extra attention to chemistry (I wasn’t so good at chemistry so I didn’t want any stories).  Maths has always been my best, so I felt no matter the time I had, I would still cover up.

“If you have anything that will implicate you, you better remove it  !!!!!”   Mrs Udakingbo clamored  ” we are starting by 8am and stopping by 10am” she continued. My heart skipped, I just had this feeling that I  wasn’t  ready for the exam ….anxiety had a grasp of me.

What was happening, I couldn’t just place everything, all my solving weren’t even tallying at all, I was thrown into confusion ,time wasn’t on my side  “1h remaining! ” Mrs udakingbo shouted and went outside. Sidey have you solved any? I asked my seat  mate,” I’m trying to do the construction “she answered… Please after doing yours, you help me out 

Here I was asking someone who wasn’t even good at maths for help, my side mate wasn’t good at maths at all but her performance in English and literature were stellar. I could see everybody struggling to write and I was just there looking around, even the questions  I knew……. I couldn’t even solve them ….my village people Atlas!

“PFFRTTTT”   escaped my rear end, it was  silent . The smell was putrid, imagine  Rotten egg mixed with Rotten onions and increase it by ten times ,that’s what it smelt like. My class girls were covering their noses, struggling to grasp some fresh air , the classroom Was poorly ventilated and this made the stench linger stubbornly. I just pitied my seat mate and the seat mates behind me. Oh wait!!!!  that bonzo I  ate

“Oh my  God. ….. who did this?,  the person must be very Wicked ” the invigilator said, she entered the class to continue her invigilation and she strode out the  door immediately. The atmosphere became very noisy and there was confusion, I was laugh crying . I was happy because people stopped writing and I was crying because I didn’t write well at all

“I won’t invigilate this class again, you  people  are evil” Mrs. Udakingbo said as she was collecting our answer  sheets…. Finally the frustrating exam was over and I did learn my lesson

Revising a subject very well even if I was a guru in it 

And………No more TILL DAY BREAK AGAIN

26 YRS OLD BUT 12

Chizzy!….mum called out “make sure you boil that rice before I come back “

“OK ma “. I was actually home alone and I couldn’t wait to go to the porch and receive some fresh air, the afternoon was so hot!!. – I wanted to take off myskin and sit in my bones..

Finally I was done and I was already receiving  the fresh air. I was eating my pureblissbiscuit until I saw Miriam. Miriam’s house was just opposite ours, a 26yr old lady who behaves like  a 10yr old. Ohmmm onye apari a(this stupid person) , I contained. I kept on wondering why she was smiling at me, I knew she was up-to something fishy

She was cooking spaghetti, I  could see her through their kitchen window  because it was wide open and the funny part of it was, she also had ugu leaves and she added it to the spaghetti. Hmmmmm,what  sort of delicacy Could that be ?” Afo ga askwa nmadu ebe a “(í Just Hopesomebody doesnt sleep in the toilet)

“Chizzycome and eat spaghetti “Ifeoma said,  , “No ” I answered apruptly and grimaced

“No I will give you some “aunty insisted , the next thing I saw was a black water proof flying like a parachute rightinside our porch .Everywhere got dirty with the splattering of the spaghetti.

“Thunderfire you there !” and  that was how we started exchanging words. It pained her when I called her olodo, the nexttime I see you for road….i go beat you! Miraim flared up, I go break you into pieces !! Í continued hurling insults at her.

You won’t do anything oo (I was actually scared but I couldn’t afford to make her notice it and I stood my ground)

………………………………………………………..

Oh no…..this woman’s akara has finished ,I would have to wait for another round . I hadgone to a nearby street to buy akara for my breakfast, I didn’t want to eatrice like every other person In the house.

what!!!!!!! Guess who I Just saw, miram!!     my heart jumped into my stomach ,oh my God!  I’m dead oo, I started sweating profusely …what do I do now? I knew she had already seen me , I didn’t want to make it look as if I was aware of that,I had to detour … What I saw next was someone who was approaching me . Mama-nkwere was already putting my akara, I left both the akara and my money and zoomed off .My chest was beating fast Miriam chased me(kaii this anty can run oh no wonder she had this masculine body) . I ran as fast as my leg could carry me and immediately I entered our compound, Miriam hit me on my buttocks and my  short went down ( I was this veryslim girl when I was little) I just dragged the short up and ran into the house. I felt embarrassed because my playmates were laughing at me and thissmall boys had seen their Lil antys pant 

But waitooo, how could a 26 year old lady be chasing a 12yr old girl?

BABYSITTING LESLIE

“Make una free this baby’s bumbum small, babies shouldnt wear pampers always” Anty lapo said. When she wakes up in the morning, remove her pampers to prevent her from getting rashes. I Haven’t heard of this one before o, í thought …..Aunty Lapo was always fond of over exaggerating  things like how most African parents and grandparents do. I came to spend holiday at my aunty ‘s house in Owerri immediately after my Junior  waec and her daughter had a little baby Who was about 10 months old.

Around 9 o’clock everybody had gone to their work place, so it was Just me and Leslie. Where did this water come from, I  looked Well and it occurred to me that Leslie had peed on the floor. I came back with a mop to clean up the mess only to find  the little girl using my cream to design her whole body. (you see this baby sitting, M ga ahu ishi ya taa (I have entered). I didn’t know what to do at the moment, should I beat her?  Should I cry?  Or should I leave her?

“Stop splashing water on me “,I told Leslie. I was bathing her and she was busy splurging water on me and making jokes out of it by laughing like an adult. This was actually my first time of taking care of a baby and  I was a total JJC. After putting on her pampers for her after several attempts because she couldn’t  Just stay at a place, I put the pampers in a wrong way  and so we started all over again .

“Okuu! ” Leslie shouted, I guess that was among the first Words she learnt. She said that and tried going Outside the room, Leslie come back here!….  Leslie turned and gave me a look of my life, that look I will never forget. Wait ooo, Who taught this girl this 

Leslie was watching TV and at the same  time watching barney on her little Television, she will watch barney small and She will go and stand in front of the TV preventing me from watching ‘’ my heart beats for Lola’’  in peace…. Oh wait I forgot to tell you guys, can you imagine this girl wasn’t  eating the yam I gave her ,she was Just licking the sauce and leaving the white yam all for me to eat without any sauce …what did I do to deserve this .

Where do I start from now? Leslie’s  dad Came to pick her  up to Just go for a stroll, she had pooed and there was no space in the diaper (imagine poo that came out from the pampers) The tuza queen who won’t  stay at a place put her hand on the poo and put it on my face!!!! (this reminded of what happened years ago when í carried my class teacher’s baby and immediatedly, he rained blessings on me)

“Ify  thankGod you are back ooo” I told Leslie’s  baby sitter everything that happened and she couldn’t  Just hold her laughter. Please I no do again ooo, when she comes back Just carry her abegi

After my sleep, I came downstairs to eat.  Ify was eating the baby’s food while Leslie was sleeping.  I have  caught her number of times doing that, she was fond of making the baby to sleep while she eats her  food. No Wonder my cousin told me one day  that she likes feeding Leslie because the nanny is a tortoise……”Ify this one Leslie is sleeping, udo odikwa “(is there peace? )  Í said, the kind of look she gave  me was very similar to the one Leslie gave  me in the morning.  Obviously Leslie learnt that from her .

To be continued….

(contd)….

“So you dont  know that your agemates have like three  Kids now in the north ” you are here doing Shakara”  Nda Duzie said .Well its for them now, thats serious child abuse because i dont see a  reason why a 16yr old should be married with 3 Kids at that biko cheretunu kam gbacha oringo nwa aghogho!(Let me do shakara finish) i blurted out and everybody started laughing .we were almost done laughing when little leslie entered the kitchen, she bursted out laughing,i guess  that was because she saw us laughing. We All kept quiet and she was still laughing. “Please did you add anything to this babys Milk like akpuruachia or something ” i asked her nanny, ” because she acting  só weird. She was laughing like an adult, she even Hit her palms on the floor and continued her thing .We all left the kitchen  one after the other , we did that on purpose and the lil girl followed suíte.

“Chiziterem! “my aunty called out…. Hmm this one she called my name to the full by this time of  the night, nsogbu ga dimakwa (problem dey oo)  “Yea ma ” I answered,did you guys feed leslie this night? Yes mummy we did oo( i wanted to tell her badly what the nanny does and she was the one Who feed her that night because i had gone out in the evening) So how come she has almost finished this big sermovita you made, there is no way she would be eating the semovita and soup like this if she’s not hungry” she shouted… I was feeling bad already. “Pls go and make another semovita “

“This dress is so hard to iron, ochoghi igbati agbati oo since i have been ironing it ” i told my cousin  ,i want to wear it tommorrow for a function “….”haha see how your sin is chasing you, its because i told You to help  me with mine and  you bluntly refused ”  kamara crooned. “biko shut up abegi, everytime you will start singing it with your frog voice(she had this attitide of sing talking, so annoying) You want me to Iron that your cloth that is like ihe eji afu akamu( What is used in  preeparing pap) ,you must be kidding.

“Bikonu gini Na eme Leslie ” my uncle asked, we didnt even know when he entered the ironing room, she Just entered the room and started laughing. That’s  the same thing she Did the previous day, I dont know where she developed this atitude of laughing ” I told him. Ogbakwaram ara oo, ujo biakwaram on top. Maybe we should get a chain and start locking her up, we laughed só hard.

We later went out that evening to go and get Leslies pampers, as we reached the checkpoint we were stopped by a Police man “Good evening ma, how  are the children? The Police man asked and we knew where he was driving to “they are all good “.my aunty replied

“Enwere ihe I ga enye your boys ” he asked, that sounded so weird.i was seated in front with Leslie on my laps, she opened the pigeon hole brought out 10 naira Note and handed it over to the police man. shame catch the police man , he just waved his hand and told us to go. This little girl never ceases to amaze me, am very sure she must have seen someone giving money to a police man.

91 thoughts on “Chizzy

  1. This is Lagos oo, your prefix = open your eyes 👀 ( muru anya ka-azu), suffix = open your mouth..maka iri gi lol
    Nice one 😊 dear keep it up.

  2. 😂 Really got me laughing.
    Your choice of words is quite amazing and i admire how realistic the story is. Keep it up dear👍

  3. As a JJC in Lagos, the first rule is “Learn how to jump a bus, or else eeeeeh, you will wait tire”. And the way you write the Yoruba, so funny my dear and it made me laugh. You see in Lagos, the conductors are not well o, they are very mad at any point you meet them. You’re going to love the experience i tell you.

  4. Lol
    You have tried

    More grace. It’s a typical first timers experience. You’re lucky you could even understand the conductor as he calls out his bus stops

  5. Chizzy😂😂😂😂…you will not kill me ooo
    See ur mouth like ode😁…you have to be sharp o..if u like be doing ajebutter… They will use u(butter) and eat bread..and next time,don’t forget to take ur #50 change…Nice one sweetie

  6. First hand experience! Any first time by-road visitor to Lagos,on getting to Berger, would see:” This is Lagos” ,it doesnt say “Welcome to Lagos.” Let that sink in. On default, conductors in that city on are ‘angry mode” as can be detected from their strident voices, especially while asking for To fare from passengers . In the east or most other parts of the country, buses wait for passengers. On the contrary, passengers wait for buses in Lagos due to the ever-growing and teeming population of the city with its bustling and hustling nature of activities. Everybody is almost in a hurry. Get used to it, learn as much Yoruba as you can, don’t be shy to ask questions when necessary, and shine your eyes! Lol

  7. What an experience
    Really like the combination of the 3 languages (English, pidgen and Yoruba).
    You will make a good writer keep it up

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